My Parent Doesn’t Want Any Help!

Perhaps you have noticed that Mom or Dad isn’t bathing regularly, or the bills
aren’t being paid, or the house is uncharacteristically messy. Maybe they seem to forget directions from one location to anther, or even worse, they have had a car accident,or re p o rt falling in the home when no one was around to help them. Often, adult children of aging parents notice changes in their loved ones, and when the aging adult is confronted with the facts, they say, “Oh everything is fine, I don’t need any help, don’t worry about me!”

The loss of independence and choice is something none of us want to face. Having our own children tell us what do to or how to live our lives is uncomfortable at best. Many aging adults are also very private about their financial matters, and will not discuss income or assets with adult children. How do you start that conversation with your parents? There is not a one-size-fits-all answer. Below are some tips that might help the process along.

Pick an appropriate time and place. Avoid large family gatherings,holidays, birthdays, and other celebrations. A quiet location, in their home or yours might be more comfortable.

Avoid blaming or accusing. Instead, redirect the conversation by telling your parent how YOU feel. For example, “Mom, I find myself worrying about you a lot these days, and I would like to tell you why I am feeling this way.”

Talk to a geriatric care manager in your area for some good advice on how to approach your parent’s specific needs. That care manager has helped family members have this kind of conversation hundreds of times throughout their career. They are full of helpful hints and tips.

If you decide to seek the services of a geriatric care manager, ask them about their approach when it comes to dealing with difficult clients, or clients who may not perceive a need for services. I often tell adult children that when they approach their parents about setting up an evaluation, they might tell their parents, “I know you don’t want me to worry about you, and I only want the best for you. Having this professional come over and talk to us would really make me feel better. If you would agree to talk with her, we can look at her recommendations together and see if any of them make sense. Is that fair?”

Remember that having a third party, who is not a family member and is completely objective, can help the senior see things from a different point of view. They feel like they are getting some professional advice, as opposed to opinions from their children.

Finally, if the senior is truly not living safely, a geriatric care manager can let the senior know that they need to make some choices about their care or living arrangements NOW, before someone else has to make that decision for them later. Of course, this is done with professionalism, courtesy, compassion, and caring.

Making the Most of Doctor Visits

If you go with your parent to see the doctor, here are a few tips that will help you be an ally and advocate:


Bring a prioritized list of questions and take notes on what the doctor recommends. Both can be helpful later, either to give information to the primary caregiver, or to remind your parent what the doctor said.

Before the appointment, ask your parent, the primary caregiver, and your siblings if they have any questions or concerns they would like you to bring up.

Bring a list of ALL medications your parent is taking, both prescription and over-the-counter, and include dosage and schedule (if your parent sees several different doctors one may not necessarily know what another has prescribed).

Tell the doctor about what your loved one used to do, but can no longer do. Sometimes patients come to accept a certain level of disability, particularly if it's the result of a condition that has come on slowly. For example, if she used to garden or knit, but her hands and fingers ache, these are things you should tell the doctor. If you don't share these problems with the doctor, she may miss out on treatments.

When the doctor asks a question, do not answer for your parent unless you have been asked to do so. Always talk to the doctor and to your parent.


Be active during the doctor visit. Take notes and ask questions if you don't agree or don't understand.

Tell the doctor if a treatment or medicine isn't working and ask for something different.


Ask the doctor to discuss other options if he or she saysa test or procedure are needed and you or your parent don't think you it's needed.

Get a second opinion from another doctor if you don't agree with what the doctor is telling you. Find out if your parent's health plan will pay for the cost of getting a second opinion.

• Respect your parent’s privacy, and leave the room when necessary.

• Ask the doctor if she or he can recommend community resources that might be helpful.