My Parent Doesn’t Want Any Help!

Perhaps you have noticed that Mom or Dad isn’t bathing regularly, or the bills
aren’t being paid, or the house is uncharacteristically messy. Maybe they seem to forget directions from one location to anther, or even worse, they have had a car accident,or re p o rt falling in the home when no one was around to help them. Often, adult children of aging parents notice changes in their loved ones, and when the aging adult is confronted with the facts, they say, “Oh everything is fine, I don’t need any help, don’t worry about me!”

The loss of independence and choice is something none of us want to face. Having our own children tell us what do to or how to live our lives is uncomfortable at best. Many aging adults are also very private about their financial matters, and will not discuss income or assets with adult children. How do you start that conversation with your parents? There is not a one-size-fits-all answer. Below are some tips that might help the process along.

Pick an appropriate time and place. Avoid large family gatherings,holidays, birthdays, and other celebrations. A quiet location, in their home or yours might be more comfortable.

Avoid blaming or accusing. Instead, redirect the conversation by telling your parent how YOU feel. For example, “Mom, I find myself worrying about you a lot these days, and I would like to tell you why I am feeling this way.”

Talk to a geriatric care manager in your area for some good advice on how to approach your parent’s specific needs. That care manager has helped family members have this kind of conversation hundreds of times throughout their career. They are full of helpful hints and tips.

If you decide to seek the services of a geriatric care manager, ask them about their approach when it comes to dealing with difficult clients, or clients who may not perceive a need for services. I often tell adult children that when they approach their parents about setting up an evaluation, they might tell their parents, “I know you don’t want me to worry about you, and I only want the best for you. Having this professional come over and talk to us would really make me feel better. If you would agree to talk with her, we can look at her recommendations together and see if any of them make sense. Is that fair?”

Remember that having a third party, who is not a family member and is completely objective, can help the senior see things from a different point of view. They feel like they are getting some professional advice, as opposed to opinions from their children.

Finally, if the senior is truly not living safely, a geriatric care manager can let the senior know that they need to make some choices about their care or living arrangements NOW, before someone else has to make that decision for them later. Of course, this is done with professionalism, courtesy, compassion, and caring.

When You Meet Resistance to Help at Home

When the time comes for you to realistically consider home health care for loved ones who can no longer safely live on their own, it is normal to meet resistance to the offer of help. The people who need care the most are often resistant to giving up their independence and autonomy, as they perceive it. This is understandable. Rather than arguing, stand back and try to offer appropriate responses that acknowledge how they are feeling and provide suggestions to alleviate their fears.

Here are some suggestions for resistance to home health care you may encounter:

1. When your loved one says, "I don't need any help," point out how overwhelmed she gets doing normal household chores; or how she forgets to renew important prescriptions, or how she has set off the smoke alarm several times in a month, or any other specific examples. Then tell her how much more comfortable and less confusing her life would be with help. Show her that help would enable her to stay in her home as long as possible.

2. When your parent says, "I like things done my way. I'm the only one who knows what to give your father to eat," tell her she can be involved in supervising the health care giver.

3. When your loved one says, "I don't want a stranger in my house," allay her fears by staying over one or two days and by popping in to see how things are at different hours of the day and night when caregivers are scheduled.

4. When your parent says, "I'm not throwing away my savings when I can manage on my own," contact her accountant or financial planner to assure her that she can afford help. Also discuss the fact that the savings were meant for times when help would be needed.

5. When your loved one says, "I won't have any of those people in my house," discuss the matter of prejudice and urge her simply to give the home health care giver a try.

6. When your parent says, "Absolutely no," contact the home care agency and arrange a home visit with another senior who is happy with her care giver. Seeing a positive situation is always good motivation.

7. Encourage your loved one to express her fears and concerns about what is happening.

8. Discuss what would happen if she won't let people help her. Let her experience a day without your help -- no meals, soiled clothing -- so that she sees that she needs regular assistance.

9. Slowly introduce your parent to outside services. For example, arrange to have someone deliver her meals or do her shopping. A kind, compassionate person coming into her home may earn her trust and prepare her to be open to further assistance.

10. If the situation requires immediate attention, consider hiring a geriatric care manager who has the expertise to help your loved one accept assistance.